“Where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.  You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same.  You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” – Lyrics from the TV show Cheers

Reilly and I have been to the ER so often lately they practically yell Norm when we walk in the door. This is our third time in a year:  broken hand in May, tip of his toe chopped off in July (see a few posts below) and now a broken wrist in March.  Here we are again…on a Friday night after I got a phone call from Reilly that his arm “kinda hurt.”  That is teenage code for dust off the Kaiser card something is broke.  In our case it is my wallet and Reilly’s wrist after he “dropped in” on his Razor scooter at the local skate park and his wrist didn’t drop up.  Reilly’s wrist was broken, but I thought I might have to have the doctors check his hearing as well.

Me:  “Sooo what happened to all the pads we got you for when you ride?”

Reilly: “Huh?”

Me:  “The pads…protective gear…wrist guards?”

Reilly:  “What?”

Me:  “The pads…protective gear…wrist guards you promised you would wear when you scootered at the skate park.”

Reilly:  “Oh yeah, those are at home in the closet.”

Me:  “Why are they in the closet and not on your body?”

Reilly:  “What…Why?”

Me:  “Nothing.  On the way home let’s stop and get pizza and a movie.”

Reilly:  “AWESOME!”

Meggan: ” AH-HA you can hear me…you are just choosing not to listen.”

Reilly:  “HUH?”

Harrison:  “I don’t mean to be mean…but does Caillou have Leukamia?”

Family vacation to the beach with three boys…good Mom…

Leaving keys on the hood of the keyless entry car and driving off down the freeway and having your keys fall off the hood of your car in the middle of I-5 forcing you to pull over while your children pour out of the car onto the busy  shoulder while your stepson documents the whole thing with his new camera he got for his birthday while you scream, “GET YOUR ASSSSSSSS BACK IN THE CAR!”…not so Good Mom.

Hour 5 of vacation.

Reilly's toe, after he dropped a brick on it

Life with boys.   This is the summer of the emergency room for Reilly and of gray hairs for me.   Reilly broke his hand in the beginning of the summer, and he just smashed the tip of his toe.  Being 13 year old boy can be dangerous to your health.

SOOO, what happened?  Reilly dropped a brick on his toe and chopped the top part of his toe nearly off and the doctors had to stitch it back on.  How did this happen?  My thoughts exactly, however the answer was anything but exact.

Me:  “What happened?”

Reilly:  “Ok, let me just say there were scissors near a brick”…

Me:  “and”…

Reilly: ”and…ok…and…there were these scissors and this brick.”

Me:  “AND”…

Reilly: ”ok…and…well…I had the scissors…and I know you aren’t supposed to play with scissors”…

Me:  ”uh-huh…keep going…and”…

Reilly:   “and so I put the scissors down near this brick.”

Me:  “ANDDDD”…

Reilly: ” Right…and I put the scissors down and then I picked up this brick that was near the scissors”…

Me:   “ANNNNNDDDDDD”…

Reilly:   “and then I accidentally dropped the brick and it landed on my toe and squashed my toe and blood squirted everywhere and I looked down and my toe was hanging in two.”

Me:  “Why did you have a brick and scissors?”

Reilly:  “To throw them in the pool. (duh)  Why are you just staring at me?”

Me:  “Just quietly crying inside for a second.”

Reilly:  ”Oh, and I might not have a toenail on that toe ever again and  if it does grow back most likely it will grow back sideways and deformed or all ridgy and gross for the rest of my life.  Don’t worry though, the doctor says I will still be healed in time to ride ALL the roller coasters when we go to Magic Mountain.   WOOO-HOOO!!!

Me:  “Well, as long as you can still ride all the roller coasters at Magic Mountain.  That’s what’s important.”

Reilly:  “Totally, that’s what I said.”

"I'll wait for you on the other side!"

A tractor, Lucas’ first true love.   T.L.A.   That’s 80’s high school speak for true…love…always.  Don’t believe me…get out your high school binders from the back of the closet.  T.L.A. will be scribbled somewhere in there followed by the name Matt, U2, and a hand drawn picture of a dolphin you were going to have tattooed on your ankle just in time for prom…not that I would know anything about that.

Reilly:  “Meggan, you were right…I did learn a lot as a 7th grader.”

Meggan:  (Puffed with pride)  “Reilly…good for you!  What did you learn?”

Reilly:  “Three things.”

Meggan:  “Math, English, or Science?”

Reilly:  “None of the above.”

Meggan:  (uh-oh)

Reilly: ”I learned”…

1.  “Don’t argue with 7th grade teachers because they are really tired and will pretty much always give you detention.”

2.  ”Don’t get mad at your older brother and punch a wall, because you will break your hand and have to wear a cast that smells funny.”

3.  ”Don’t light matches near a gas tank because it will piss all the adults of really bad and they will FREAK OUT and say you could burn the house down.”

Meggan:  “Well as long as you learned something.”

Reilly:  “I did!  I can’t wait for 8th grade!”

Me:  “Lucas, look…IT’S BIG BIRD!”

Lucas:  (points at television)  ”MAMA!”

Me:  “Ummmm, no Lucas that’s BIG BIRD.”

Lucas:  “MAMA!!

Me:  “BIG BIRD”

Lucas:  “MAMA”

Me:  “Lucas, Mama isn’t a big yellow bird.  Mama is a tall person…not a tall bird.  Mama is here, Big Bird is on Sesame Street on the television.”

Lucas:  (pointing at television) “MAMA!”

Sigh…At least he didn’t mistake me for Oscar the Grouch.  Silver lining.

TWO HOURS LATER

Harrison: “Hey Meggan, did you know that every time Lucas sees Big Bird on TV he says Mama.  Like right now….”

Lucas:  “MAMA!”

Harrison:  “Awesome.”

Ettore:  Sweetheart, where did you put the new toothbrushes?

Me:  On the kitchen table.

Ettore:  They’re not there.

Meggan:  They have to be there, I just bought them.

Ettore:   Well, they are not there.  You don’t think Lucas took them?

Me:  No.  There is no way he could reach them.  Besides, why would a two-year-old take toothbrushes?

I took my thirteen-year-old stepson to the movies the other night.  Always an adventure.  With a little $5.00 bribe I was able to get Reilly to go into the photo booth with me.  He picked the title of our photos, very appropriate.  The first photo gave me a chance to work on my blurring skills in Photoshop.  Let’s just say Reilly is not signing “You’re Number One.”  By the last photo the cool glasses are off and I am caught mid…”Knock it off!”, and people wonder why we didn’t do a photo Christmas card this year.

My thighs don’t need buckets of Otis Spunkmeyer cookies.  My thighs need a bucket of carrots and a good personal trainer.

 Here is the thing though.

I felt bad.  I wanted to help my stepson Reilly with his fundraising for his school.  We try and teach giving back, working hard, and putting efforts in to your education.  I couldn’t turn him down when confronted with his eager face hoping to do well at the fundraiser and put into practice the lessons I had been teaching him.

Actually that is a load of crap.  Reilly is FAR MORE SAAVY THAN THAT.  I felt guilty and did NOT want to be the Stepmom that didn’t but any cookies from her stepson… and the kid knew it. 

I bought four buckets.

With a check for four buckets of Otis Spunkmeyer cookies safely tucked away in his fundraiser envelope I got a hug and an announcement of ”your the best Stepmom in the world!”  In turn for selling his buckets of cookies Reilly won something made of plastic that will end up in the vacuum, the baby’s mouth, or on the floorboard of my car.

Guilt sells.

This is not this Stepmom’s first guilt filled misstep in the unchartered territory of school fundraising.  I met my stepsons when they were well into their elementary school careers.  There was no warming up to school fundraising for me.  No learning the ropes, no pacing myself starting in my child’s kindergarten class.  I dove head first in the live auctions, donations, and volunteering.  My fundraising learning curve was like jumping off a cliff.

“It’s for the children”  is all I could  mutter to my wallet shocked husband when I got in a bidding war at a school auction and paid several hundred dollars for horse back riding lessons even though horses scare the crap out of me and I have yet to ride a horse that I haven’t fallen off of.

Ettore: (with Swiss German accent) “Sweetheart!!!  What are you doing?  Put that bidding paddle down….YOU DON”T EVEN LIKE HORSE!”

Me:  “It’s for the children…we can bond.”

I should of known my stepsons would be horrified when I was the lone bidder at ANOTHER school auction and bid on and won a box of home grown seasonal vegetables delivered once a month for an entire year.

“YOU BID ON WWWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT………….AND WE WON IT???????!!!!!!!!!!……………..NNNNNOOOOOO” was the  response I received when I got home holding a token Eggplant to show the boys we will be learning all about where our food comes from once a month for the next year. 

Aparently the boys learned our food comes in a box that sits on our doorstep while their Father and I Google what to do with random vegetables we have never heard of.

It’s for the children.

I am signing off to go turn on the oven and bake me some cookies.

At least I have until Back to School night in the Fall to finish them off.