Pork, My Drug of Choice

  I got an email the other day from my good girlfriend Kristy.  I met Kristy while attending theater classes in San Diego.  She is now a fabulous and talented stylist living in Tennessee and we have been friends for many years.  Basically she is my friend from “back in the day.”  We all have friends like that, no matter how far you go in life they were there from the awkward beginning and you can’t hide a damn thing from them.   They knew you when you drank too much and held you hair while you puked in the toilet.  They knew you when you smoked and looked ridiculous, a far cry from glamorous.  They loved you before you were a responsible Mom and spilled bleach on their carpets (twice) and had no way to pay for the damages.  They kindly still went out with you through many a horrible outfit until you figured out how to dress yourself and what looked good on your body type.  They sat by your side while you cried over loser guys who treated you like crap and didn’t judge you when you got back together for the 100th time.  They knew you, as in my case, when you would eat a lot of pork….emotionally eat lots and lots of pork…bacon, ham sandwiches, ribs, and on one particularly bad break up a Hawaiian pork ball. Oprah recently revealed that her weight is her personal barometer as to how well she is taking care of herself.  To put it simply if her weight goes up it is a red flag that she needs to slow down and make herself a priority.  My barometer is pork.  I hardly eat meat, so if I am falling in love with a ham sandwich three times a day and dreaming of being alone with some bacon it is time to go visit my therapist Richard,  I am out of sorts.  I haven’t gotten back to Kristy, I would have to tell her I am back on the pork and she would be worried.  It got me thinking though, why am I off.  It is then I realized that I am off because things are good.  I feel bad because my life is finally good…call Richard stat, something is definitely backwards. In a nutshell I have struggled for a long time to heal.  Without going into detail,  a Temptation’s song symbolizes my Father, “Papa was a rollin’ stone.”   I also had a Step-Dad and a male neighbor that liked me…ALOT.  Those things can leave a mark.   I tease, but it’s true, by my third date with Ettore (now my husband) he took me to a therapist, Richard.  Basically saying I love her, but can you fix her.  That was four years ago and I still see Richard and am working through the past.  Back to the good.  I don’t know about you all, but sometimes accepting the good is harder than dealing with the bad.  I know how to deal with a crisis, sometimes it felt as if the world was crumbling around me and I had to strap on my super hero cape and save the day or my family.  After a lot of hard therapy work, those days are gone and I am in a really good place, but sometimes the thought of it all crumbling and returning to the bad gives me so much anxiety that I can’t sleep for days.  So I push through with my good friend Ham Sandwich.  So just when I thought I had this happiness and life thing figured out, bam….bacon.  Back to the drawing board…or Richard’s office.  It is all good though, I am growing and learning to believe.  I joined a church Mommy group with more nice people in one place than I have ever experienced.  I was so happy to be in such a positive place with my son that I BAWLED my eyes out the whole time.  I almost need CPR.  I was embarrassing myself…really. My website is going well, it is my voice, my stories, my family.  I just hired an amazing web designer who is going to build a FABULOUS www.meggansamom.comfrom the ground up and I just recorded my first video chef video segment for the site working with a wonderful production team.  No wonder I have anxiety, things are rockin’.   I don’t want it to be over.  So I have decided down with the ham, deep breaths,  a lot of faith and trust in the good.  We can do it.

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