It’s no secret to Moms that after you have kids the personal grooming takes a back seat…in the trunk.  The days of mani/pedis, three hour hair appointments, and professional facials are a distant and faint memory.  My hair is now colored from a box, the place that cuts my hair also cuts my baby’s hair all for under $20.00 (and I have my son sitting in my lap for BOTH our hair cuts),  and a facial consists of grinding up and mixing with yogurt whatever fruit we have left over from breakfast and smearing it on my face.

I didn’t know how far I had let it all slip though until I went in for a mani-pedi with my husband while on vacation.  We had childcare and decided to treat ourselves to a little pampering at the local Vietnamese Walk-in Beautiful Nail Salon.

One thing you have to realize about Vietnamese nail salons is that they are very direct…always.  No time for foolery when beautifaction and money making is in progress. “You pick color” and then you sit your ass down.

While “Susan” was filing and trimming away on my beat up dish pan hands working her $11.00 manicure magic I noticed her looking directly at me, but through me at the same time. I smiled back. That’s when Susan asked…

“Do you want me to help you look pretty?”

Normally for me to look pretty the person I am with has to start drinking.  Curious if she was going to start serving herself Cosmos I replied, “what do you have in mind?”

“I do waxing.”

“Oh, do I need to get my upper lip waxed.?”

“No, you need wax your WHOLE FACE.”

WTF!!  MY WHOLE FACE!! What was I, a werewoman?  I burst out laughing.  I had never even heard of a whole face wax. Probably why I was so fuzzy.  After a few more assurances from Susan that I really was a hairy beast, I was in.  As my husband blissfully snoozed away in the pedicure chair, Susan lead me away to her waxing chamber.

While Susan’s daughter sat next to me in the back waxing room reading a book about robotic cats (no joke) Susan waxed and waxed and waxed my face.  Each time she would yank a strip of wax off my face the size of a paper towel she would proudly show me the strip and announce,

“see I no lie, you have a lot of hair…I help you look pretty.”

OK, I get it. I get it.  I am a weremommy. My neighbors should stay away from me on full moons and if they have chickens keep them inside.  Susan left no hair on my face except two thin strips of eyebrows.  I was smooth like a sheared lamb from the top of my eyebrows to my collar bone….and my face was fire red and glistening from the cooling lotion.

I looked like a shiny vine ripe tomato that had been covered in aloe gel.

I emerged from the waxing room and met my husband by the front door to pay.   When he saw me he had the strangest look of confusion on his face.

What just happened?  When he last saw me he was in the pedicure chair getting his nails filed and feet massaged by two beautiful Vietnamese woman.   He fell asleep only to wake up alone to a wife that now looked like produce.

“She waxed my face,” was all I could mutter.

My husband, long accustomed to my adventures, paid the bill, tipped Susan and as we were leaving politely said,

“Thank you for getting rid of her beard.”

I would of burst out laughing again, except I couldn’t move my hairless face.

UPDATE:  Hairy face has left the building.  Tomato face has healed.  Say hello to baby butt smooth face.  I love it. 

NOTE:  Photo on the left is from the film The Wolf Man circa 1941